As part of reflecting on my life for this blog, I’ve been reviewing some of my past adventures in collecting—and while listening to some old Star Wars collecting podcasts last night, I came across a legit gem (of a sort).

When there are new toys I hardcore want, I generally consider myself to be the most obsessed and dedicated fan in my area to snagging the latest figures. When in the zone and on the hunt, I can be downright scary with how many stores I hit in a singular day and how many times in a week. But in April 2010, I failed to secure the newest wave of Star Wars 3.75” figures… and didn’t take it well.

I had been prowling my local Toys R Us in Clifton Park, New York, daily (sometimes multiple times daily) for the hotly-anticipated Star Wars Expanded Universe wave of figures (including characters from the novels like Jacen and Jaina Solo–I was heavily invested in the Star Wars novels at this period in time, so the inclusion of these previously unmade characters was a huge deal).

And on one fateful day I found them—but was beaten to the punch by a floral-wearing, white-haired grandma who proceeded to snatch all 21 new Star Wars figures–three of each of all seven new figures in the Toys R Us exclusive assortment–from the pegs and dump them into her cart.

To say that I went off the deep end a little bit would probably be accurate. How psycho did I go? I made a post in a fury to the (sadly now-defunct) Star Wars Action News forums, and the host of the podcast got such a kick out of my righteous indignation that he did a dramatic reading of my post on the air.

I wasn’t sure if a recording of that podcast still existed anywhere, but I managed to track down the full episode on Podbean and saved that three minute snippet, which you can view and listen to below:

While I felt rather embarrassed and freaked out by my post being read for thousands of fans way back when, it turns out to be something of a blessing, as it allows me to re-transcribe what I wrote now below, years after the forums themselves have been deleted (although I have to admit that the transcription really does not convey the same amount of pathos and power as Arnie’s dramatic oral recitation of the post):

“Scalper Grandma Screwed Me Out of the Star Wars EU Wave [by R2-DB]

So I’ve been going to the local Toys R Us once a day–sometimes twice a day–every day, for over two weeks now, looking for the final wave of Legacy Collection, the Expanded Universe wave exclusive to Toys R Us. Until today, I’ve never seen ANYTHING from the wave. No repacks–NOTHING.

This morning I got to Toys R Us about 15 minutes after opening. There was your typical, spectacled, floral-wearing white-haired grandma standing in front of the Star Wars display with an empty cart, pursuing the figures.

I was PSYCHED to see the pegs totally bursting full with the EU wave, at least three cases’ worth, as there were five rows I could see. I couldn’t really get at the display, since Granny’s cart was blocking the area and she was standing there, so I figured I would walk away and leave for a couple minutes while she picked out the Clone Wars figures she wanted for her grandkids or whatever.

Five minutes later, I walked back to the aisle and she was still there–except now her cart was FULL!!!–of figures, all of which the new black-carded Toys R Us exclusive Legacy Collection EU wave.

They were all there: All 3 Dark Troopers! All 3 Jacen Solos! All 3 Jaina Solos! All 3 Space Troopers! Etc! I got back just in time to see her toss the last Shaak Ti in her cart and rifle through the pegs before leaving, with not a single new figure left behind. 😨

Not ONE Clone Wars figure was in her cart. Not ONE older Legacy figure was in her cart that I could see. Her trail of destruction was so calculated and thorough that she had managed to take all 3 of the EU wave exclusive alien Bespin Guard Utris M’Toc, while leaving every one of the human Bespin Guards behind! EVERY ONE of the 21 new figures contained in those cases had been taken!!

If you wanted to tell me that MAYBE she wanted to get all of the Darktroopers and Spacetroopers for her grandkids and have an army or something, I MIGHT be able to force myself to believe it. But the NOTION that she went there to get Sonny 3 K’Kruhks and 3 alien Bespin Guard Utris M’Toc–NO! There’s just no way. This was a total Scalper Grandma. 👿.

So my only local Toys R Us put out three cases this morning, and all the nearly two dozen new figures were wiped out in the first 20 minutes by Scalper Grandma. I’m pretty sure that’s all the cases of this wave my Toys R Us will be getting, so I’m feeling pretty crappy.

Man! I’ve missed plenty of figures before, but never quite like this. The hunt for these definitely isn’t worth the spike in my blood pressure. I think I’m gonna go for these off ebay… ”

For some time after this incident, I had a bit of a fixation on hitting stores even more frequently and earlier in the morning, so as not to be outdone by Scalper Grandma. (I did secure that whole wave of exclusive Star Wars EU figures not long after for normal retail price, including all of the pieces to put together the BG-J38 Build-A-Droid).

My wife and I briefly talked about doing a comic strip called “Collector’s Wife” portraying a relationship where one partner was involved in a collecting lifestyle, in which I imagined Scalper Grandma might appear as a sort of recurring nemesis for me.

I never encountered Scalper Grandma again. But whenever I go on a toy run and see evidence that the latest series of figures has been there and gone, I still sometimes picture an old woman, skulking away and snickering as she pushes her cart filled with all of the newest and most scalp-worthy toys.

If I had not fully illustrated yet in this blog exactly just how much collecting means to me, I hope this story drives the point home: Collecting is serious shit.